


The Family Exhibition

by emmaliza



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Dom/sub Undertones, Exhibitionism, F/M, Frottage, M/M, Oral Sex, Porn and Humor, Semi-Public Sex, mentions of spanking, more humour than porn, trolling everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 23:45:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmaliza/pseuds/emmaliza
Summary: “She knew. She totally knew.”“Oh.” Theon thinks this over, and shrugs. “Well, that'll make dinner tonight awkwarder for you than for me.”In which Robb lets his mother be exposed to her children's sex lives one too many times, and she takes her revenge.





	The Family Exhibition

So, Robb is just trying to enjoy a lazy Saturday afternoon, and a lazy afternoon blowjob. He's always so busy, after all, and he rarely gets the chance to relax and really enjoy sex. Theon seems to be enjoying himself kneeling beside the bed as well, teasing Robb and pushing him towards the edge, pulling back before it goes too far. Robb gasps and squirms as Theon pulls off to suck at his balls, tugging lightly at his boyfriend's hair, but really, there's no rush. This is nice.

And it lasts up until his phone goes and rings.

Robb lets out a long, defeated groan as the telltale Celtic violins that mean his mother's calling him fill the air. Theon pauses, and looks up at him, amused. Robb sighs. “Okay, give me a second to turn that off.” Mum will definitely have a word with him later about not answering her, but it can wait. They're going over to his parents place later tonight anyway, since he missed last Friday's family dinner because of work, and she's probably just calling to check some detail about dinner that doesn't really matter anyway. His mother has a bit of a habit of worrying too much (not that he's one to judge).

Theon pauses, stroking Robb's length as he thinks this over, making Robb squirm a little. Then he smirks. “No, don't,” he says, and Robb blinks. “I wouldn't want you to miss your mum's phone calls because of me.”

Robb gasps as Theon returns his mouth to Robb's cock, circling the tip of him with his tongue. “Theon!” But Theon just keeps sucking at Robb's length as the phone keeps ringing. “You're not going to–”

And Theon laughs as he pulls away once more. “You like it,” he says accusatorially, and sure enough, Robb's cock twitches incriminatingly in his hand. Robb groans. Okay, he's pulled Theon into public bathrooms with him too many times to pretend he doesn't have some exhibitionistic tendencies. But this is different.

“My mother–”

“Won't know a thing. Her baby boy, having sex?” Theon laughs, and Robb gasps as his thumb circles Robb's slit. Okay, his mum might be a bit overprotective sometimes, but he is twenty five and living with his boyfriend, he's pretty sure she's not that naïve. But still, it's hard to resist the pull of Theon's hand on his dick. “Now go on, answer it. You don't want to keep her waiting.”

And Robb fumbles for his phone, almost dropping it, his palms sweaty with nerves and arousal. He holds it up to his ear and clicks. “Hi Mum.”

“Robb, sweetheart, there you are,” she tells him, and Robb whimpers softly as Theon swallows him back down, before biting his lip. Luckily, she doesn't seem to notice. “I was just about to give up. Sorry to interrupt if you're busy, but I wanted to make a roast tonight and I couldn't remember which Theon preferred, beef or lamb. You couldn't ask him for me?”

“He – ah – he's a little preoccupied right now,” Robb does his best to answer as Theon doesn't let up for a second, and Theon chuckles around his length. He has to dig his nails into the palm of his empty hand so as not to moan aloud. “But I think – beef or lamb, either would be fi- _ine_?”

His voice breaks over that last word. “...I see,” says his mother, and then Theon pulls up off his dick, frowning. Robb squirms and tries to get more again.

“I – I mean,” he says, and struggles to remember, “I think he prefers – beef?” And Theon shakes his head. “Lamb, I mean. He prefers lamb.”

“Oh. Well that's good to know,” Mum says flatly, and Robb can't quite bury a mewl as Theon takes him down, all the way to the back of his throat. “Is there anything else I should know?”

“N-no, that's all,” he says trembling as Theon sucks him viciously, and he can tell he's close to the edge. “You can hang up now, Mum.” Theon laughs around his cock again, and then Robb can't help himself, he quickly slaps his other hand over his mouth to try and smother a cry as he spends into Theon's mouth. It doesn't quite work. _Oh god._

On the other end of the line, Mum lets out a deep, irritated sigh. “Alright. You tell your boyfriend that if he thinks he can do _that_ and you'll be quiet enough I wouldn't notice, he ought to be working on his technique, and not using it to annoy me. Bye.”

Robb turns red. “What, Mum–”

But she's gone, the phone beeping in his ear, and Theon pulls up from his dick, swallowing his come and licking it off his lips. “Something the matter?” he asks, grinning.

Robb glares at him. “She knew. She totally knew.”

“Oh.” Theon thinks this over, and shrugs. “Well, that'll make dinner tonight awkwarder for you than for me.”

Robb gawps, and then kicks Theon's shin. “I hate you so much,” he says, and Theon just laughs again. “And she says you ought to work on your technique if I was that quiet, by the way.”

“She said what?!” says Theon, genuinely offended. He huffs. “Alright, if your mum thinks I ought to make you scream, I'd hate to disappoint her.”

Robb glares again. “What, you think you can just make me forgive you with sex?”

“Yep,” Theon grins at him.

And Robb keeps glaring, even though Theon is probably right.

* * *

When they make it to his parents place, Mum acts like nothing happened. “Robb,” she grins, greeting him with a warm hug, and Theon with a somewhat more restrained hug. “Come in, sit down. It's cold out there.”

“Hello Mum,” Robb says as he steps into the hall, removing his coat and gloves. Theon gives a similar greeting.. It takes him a second before he looks at her properly, and then he frowns. His mother always likes to dress nicely for dinner, for whatever reason, and while she's done the same tonight he realises she looks less put together than usual – her dress is crinkled, her hair is mussed, and her lipstick is basically a red blur across her mouth. That's not like her. His mother is usually so composed. “Um, your lipstick's a bit...”

She blinks. “Oh, is it?” And with an uncharacteristic giggle, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, only smearing it further. “Sorry. I've been a bit distracted.” A pause. “Anyway, let's go find your Father.”

When they do find Dad, Robb notes that, for no readily apparent reason, he seems rather out of breath. “Robb,” he says, squeezing his son's shoulder warmly.

For a few moments they catch up and make idle small talk. Then Robb notices something. “Wait. Where are Bran and Rickon?”

“Out, I'm afraid,” says Mum. “Bran has a school project to work on, Rickon's over at a friend's place. I'm sorry Robb, I know how much you look forward to catching up with your siblings.” Robb sighs. She's right, of course, but he supposes it's his fault for being so busy anyway. Then she smiles mysteriously. “We've had the house to ourselves tonight.”

Robb blinks. _Er, what?_ But then he shakes his head. After all, with so many kids, it takes a lot for everyone to funnel out, even now three out of the five of them aren't living at home right now. He supposes being alone together is still a rare event, and worth commenting upon.

Dad drops his eyes to the floor. “Come on Cat. Let's go have dinner.”

Mum smiles and nods, leading their way to the kitchen. Robb pauses and looks back at Theon, who just shrugs at him, and he sighs before following his parents out.

* * *

So for the most part, dinner that night is much the same as any other night. They talk, Mum serves everyone entirely too much food, Dad asks about his work, Theon tries to restrain the impulse to make jokes that are going to scandalise anyone too much, it's all pretty normal. Maybe a bit quiet with none of his siblings around the table, but apart from that, same old, same old.

Apart from one major other difference:

His mother cannot stop dropping innuendoes into the conversation.

He doesn't really notice it at first, mostly because she starts with a line about being tied up at work, which makes him blink, but he thinks it's too clichéd for anyone to use it on purpose. But then she carries on like that. She didn't like some film Theon brings up because it was too easy to work out the twists, and she prefers hard things. She made a roast because she felt like meat in her mouth tonight. And so on.

Robb is embarrassed, and winds up not enjoying his dinner as much as he would if he wasn't constantly being forced to think about his parents having sex, but it's not until Dad blushes and stares down into his dinner, murmuring “Cat,” and she smiles beatifically like she has no idea what she's done, that he realises how deliberate it is. The smudged lipstick. The mussed up hair. The lines.

_She's doing this on purpose,_ Robb realises in horror. _Because of the phone call. She's punishing me. She's going to make this as awkward as embarrassing for me as that was for her._

He swallows the meat in his mouth (oh, great) and decides to ignore it. He won't rise to the bait. After all, she's his mother, how long before she gets bored trolling him?

At some point, the conversation turns to an old trampoline they used to have in the backyard. “I loved that – bloody trampoline,” says Theon as he sips his wine, managing to temper his language at least somewhat. “Broke my heart when you guys got rid of it.”

“Well, the kids had all gotten so big and weren't really using it, it was taking up room in the yard,” Mum says. “We thought we could use that space for – other things.” She smirks, and Robb clenches a fist beneath the table. Theon just raises an eyebrow. Then, her eyes sparkle like she's just had a great idea. “But you know, I'm sure we still have it in the shed somewhere. Now you're at that unit, you might have space for it yourself.” And Robb blushes slightly, not wanting his parents to think he's so childish he'd still play on a trampoline – even though he totally would. “We should go look for it. Come on, Ned.”

“What?” says Dad as Mum grabs his hand, giving her a bewildered look. “Cat, it's nine at night. Can't it wait?”

“We'll only forget if we put it off,” she says, dragging him from his seat and leaving no room for questions. Theon blinks as they both disappear outside, and Robb, quickly realising what she's playing at, groans internally.

Theon turns to stare at him. “Okay, hell was all that about?”

Robb takes that as his cue to groan externally as well. “They've gone to have sex,” he pouts.

“Huh?”

“This is how she's punishing me,” Robb says. “You know, for the phone call? It's why she's been acting weird all night. If she has to think way too much about me having sex, I have to do the same.”

There's a pause. Then, as Theon keeps staring at him, he bursts out laughing.

“Hey!”

That only makes Theon laugh louder, and Robb pout more. “Fuck, you lot,” Theon chuckles, taking a triumphant slurp of wine. “Family of bloody exhibitionists.”

And Robb narrows his eyes toward his boyfriend. “Hey, this is your fault,” he points out. “It was your idea to suck me off while I was on the phone.”

At that, Theon just shrugs, and drinks more wine, raising an eyebrow to Robb daringly. _So?_ Robb growls and grabs him by his shirt.

“My old room. Now.”

* * *

The journey upstairs to his old room is an awkward and fumbling one, not aided by Theon's mouth being plastered against his own, though at least they don't have to be worried about being spotted by any of his siblings and/or knocking them over, like they used to as teenagers. They manage it though, and when they get into the room, luckily there's still a bed.

Unfortunately after all these years Robb doubts there's still any lube in the room, so he can't fuck Theon to express his frustration, which probably is as disappointing for Theon as it is for him. Still, he does all be can, practically tearing Theon's jeans open after pushing him down on the bed. “You smug little prick, you got me into this situation, and then you make fun of me for it,” he says, biting his lip roughly. “You're the one who wanted to suck my cock while I was on the phone. You're the exhibitionist, not me.” That's a lie, but oh well.

“Robb, Robb,” Theon moans as Robb takes his cock in hand and lines it up with his own, jerking them both off hard and fast. Robb doesn't last very long, quickly releasing with a moan loud enough his parents might just hear it outside. Oh well. Theon gasps and trembles as Robb covers his groin in spunk, and then digs his nails into his skin. “Stay there.”

Before he knows it he's bent over and taking Theon's cock in his mouth, sucking rough and greedy and nothing like Theon did to him before. It doesn't last very long either, and when Theon spills messily across Robb's lips and chin, Robb maybe doesn't wipe his mouth with the back of his hand as thoroughly as he should. _Hey, two can play at this game._

Once they're done and they've mostly caught their breath, Robb fastens himself back up with a sigh. “We should go back downstairs,” he says. “My parents should be back by now.”

And Theon raises an eyebrow. “Okay,” he says. “But I should warn you: you and your mum might have just entered a deadly arms race.”

* * *

When they make it back to the kitchen table, Mum and Dad are there, though they're clearly not long returned, her hair full of leaves, him out breath again. Robb and Theon are also both out of breath, and when Dad sees the state of them, he curses under his breath and looks away. Mum doesn't, she clearly takes in the dishevelled forms, before pursing her lips together and not mentioning it.

“Ah, there you boys are,” she says, “so we found the trampoline, but I'm afraid it wasn't really in good enough condition. Rats got to it, I think, gnawed a hole through the floor.”

“That's okay,” Theon shrugs as he makes his way back to his seat, and if anyone notices he's still not walking entirely straight, they don't mention it. Robb winces, a little embarrassed. “It probably wouldn't have been safe after so long anyway. Once more, fate has stopped me making terrible choices.”

Dad's eyes roam across the room, glancing over all three of them in turn, narrowing suspiciously. “Theon,” he says eventually, causing Theon to give him a 'who, me?' look. “Could I have a quick word? Alone.”

Theon blinks, confused, but he quickly stands up and follows Dad out of the room, and Robb's stomach tightens a bit in dread. That leaves him alone with his mother.

She stares at him. He stares back.

Then, she bursts out laughing.

For a moment he keeps staring, confused, but then, she realises _why_ she's laughing, and he can't help but laugh too. _Oh god, this is all so silly._ Quickly, he wipes his chin again, hoping there's not actually any come there she can see. Getting into a fight with anyone via having sex just outside each other's perception is absurd, but getting into one with his _mother_ seems particularly absurd.

Once they've both recovered their wits a bit, he sighs. “Mum?” he says. “I'm sorry about this afternoon, er, when you called. It wasn't planned. It was Theon's idea, really.”

Her mouth quirks into a smile. “Figures.” A pause, and then she sighs. “I'm sorry too. Really, this was all – dumb, and immature of me. I should have realised it was a bad idea. It's just, I got annoyed, you know I've had to deal with you and your siblings doing that sort of thing _so_ many times, and thinking I won't notice. I'm afraid you got the brunt of it. Really, I wouldn't have been so cross if I hadn't caught Sansa and Margaery on Friday...”

She trails off, and Robb frowns. “Wait, what did you catch Margaery and Sansa doing on Friday?”

Mum pulls a face. “Trust me, you don't want to know.”

Robb nods at that, and makes a note to have Words with his sister's girlfriend. Really, maybe Theon has a point about the family-of-exhibitionists thing. “Well, I'm sorry for starting it all,” he says, even if he still thinks it was mostly Theon's fault. “Should we both just agree to pretend this whole embarrassing day never happened?”

His mother nods. “That seems like a good ide–” but then she gets interrupted by a loud cough from the doorway.

“Cat? Can I talk to you?” Dad's standing there, and Robb is mildly alarmed by how much he looks like a stern school principal. Mum gives a nervous look, but she steps outside.

* * *

When she returns, she lets out a deep sigh. “Your Father's mad at me,” she announces. “Apparently, Theon told him what's been going on. He said this was dumb and immature of me, beneath my responsibility as a parent, and I should have known better. So, if it helps, I'm probably sleeping on the couch tonight.”

Robb, now having taken a seat by the table, frowns. Admittedly, he's not really heard of a husband having his wife sleep on the couch – but then again, they're a modern twenty-first century family. “I'm sorry,” he says, not quite sure how he's meant to respond to that.

She sighs. “Well, alternately, it might mean I'm in for–”

“Mum!”

A pause, and then she chuckles, teasing him again. “Sorry,” she says, and then she extends her hand with a wry smile. “But anyway: truce?”

He laughs, and grabs her hand to push himself up, pulling her into a hug instead. “Truce.”

* * *

Halfway through their drive home, Theon suddenly announces: “You come from a weird family, Stark.”

Robb, if he wasn't driving, would glare at him. “You can talk,” he says, remembering the very few Greyjoy family functions he's been invited to, which made it very clear why there weren't more Greyjoy family functions.

“Hey, I never said I didn't come from a weird family, I was just saying,” Theon answers. “But admittedly, you definitely come from a much happier weird family. If a slightly more likely to get arrested for public indecency one.”

At that, Robb just rolls his eyes.

* * *

“Are you still mad at me?”

As he pulls out of her and rolls over to settle by her side, Ned stares at her a moment, then sighs. “Admittedly, it's hard to stay that mad when I've come three times today because of it,” he says, and Catelyn smiles at that. “But it was still a wrong thing to do, Cat, I hope you know that.”

“I know,” she says, pulling a face. Really, after how pink he turned her arse after putting her over his knee, she doubts she'll forget any time soon. “It was stupid of me. I just got cross. You would too if you were the one who keeps catching our children in the act.”

Ned raises an eyebrow, and purses his lips together, as if he was about to say something and thought better of it.

Cat frowns. “What? What is it?”

He sighs. “I was going to say, 'that's what you get for being a helicopter parent.”

Her mouth drops open. “I am not a helicopter parent!” she says, and Ned just nods along, as if to say _whatever you say dear._ “I am not!”

Ned just laughs and shakes his head at that, and Catelyn huffs at him. She's tempted to grab a pillow and hit him with it, but she can't really move right now. “I hate you,” she says, pouting.

“Well, I'm sure our son will be much relieved to hear that.”


End file.
